Part 79 Swallow


Starting off a new week I pop a pain pill then take two cans of Ensure via peg tube and promptly throw it all up. This leads me to a trip back to the hospital for a barium swallow study. Dr. Ra- has decided that he wants to make sure all my pipes are functioning correctly after all this excitement – it is possible that the stent has shifted, causing complications with swallowing. I have heard the barium is quite unpleasant to the taste, but I am prepared. (At least I think so). I take the tiniest sips possible of the chalky liquid, hold my breath, and swallow. After a few trials, it is finished. The results show no significant disturbance in my esophagus and no need to replace the stent.

The sun shines brightly as Becah and I stop into La Madeleine for lunch. I am still feeling queasy though and the pain continues. The sensation now is more of an aching in the upper center of my back.

I am feeling much like I did back in the radiation days (sore, weak, tired, borderline nauseous). I have not made much progress, it seems.

I return to work the next morning but leave early to take my youngest, Brooke, to the doctor to get meds for her strep throat. Back home I rest a try a little soup. I pop on the pain patch to see if it will be more effective than the pills, but later I take another pill anyway because of my lingering discomfort. After two Ensures and a little more rest, I return to work.

By the weekend I am experiencing one rough night after another. I try a few bites of scrambled eggs on Saturday morning. The mucous in my mouth and pain combine for a formidable opponent, and I resort to taking pain pills every four hours. I find myself watching the clock, anticipating when enough time has elapsed to take another pill. I exercise in the morning, using a 20 pound weight (up five pounds) in my left hand and 25 pounds for my right hand. I try soup again to eat later in the day but give up – the excessive mucous ruins the taste.

I make my reverse doctor rounds again. That is not doctors going from patient to patient, but rather this patient going from doctor to doctor. Dr. Mu-, my G.P. observes that my meager weight of 155 will not be changed overnight – despite what many think, it can be very difficult to gain weight. He prescribes multiple medications for me to take to fortify my body, but informs me that I am maxed out on the strength for pain pills and he cannot give me anything stronger. Becah has texted Dr. Ra- , keeping him in the loop about my progress with which he is still calling “radiation esophagitis”. Dr. Bu- prescribes me an anti-nausea med that I place under my tongue. He also prescribes me more pain pills. I have learned that if anyone offers, you take them up on it. I have been in a sufficient amount of pain these days that I don’t dare run out of pills.



Part 80 A few words about pills


I am still leery of pills. However, I am desperate now and will try anything. There might be a magic substance that shuts off this pain like a light switch, and if I search hard enough I may find it. I am bothered by taking these, though, because of all the time spent grinding them, mixing them. It is a constant reminder of how my health is not what I need it to be. I have also heard enough tales about people addicted to pills, particularly pain pills. A fascinating memoir about singer/songwriter John Phillips (of the Mamas and Papas) relates a harrowing tale of his fascination with and ultimate demise from drug addiction. A very creative musical influence, but I’d just as soon not emulate that part of his life. And will there be complications from all the drug interactions? My body is too fragile now to handle those.