Part 129 Not indestructible but indistractable


I decide to make myself focus on anything other than my present predicament. I have been thinking about food for so long and how I would be soon able to taste again. Dreaming of the sensation of liquid pouring down my mouth. But now I am still unable to enjoy any of this.

I slide in a DVD into my portable player. It is a concert by Elvis Costello and Louisiana artist Allen Toussaint. Dr. Bl- observed it in my room one day and commented that she was a fan of Elvis Costello. She seems a bit edgy that way. His combination of sarcasm and wittiness would appeal to her.

I watch a few songs performed and listen to the music. After a while I hit the stop button. I am unable to continue. I am feeling miserable. It could be the dryness of the lyrics. Or it might just be my mood. Whatever it is, I eject the disc, wondering if one day I can listen to it and enjoy it without it triggering these dismal feelings again.




Part 130 Code blues


“Code blue…fourteenth floor…all available staff, please report to the fourteenth floor…code blue…fourteenth floor…all available staff, please report to the fourteenth floor…”

It feels like a nightly event. Sometimes more than once a night. The overhead speaker kicks on and a bell rings. I hear a voice calmly repeating the words “code blue”, reporting the floor on which the emergency is occurring, and a requesting for assistance from all available staff.

The call unsettles me each time. I am reminded of my fragile state, and, similarly, that of every other patient in this building. Some people find comforted when they are admitted into a hospital, assuming they will receive a comprehensive care program that is impossible to get at home. What I have discovered is that not every ailment can be successfully treated quickly, or even at all. Some rooms are filled with specialists who enter with credentials and good intentions but leave rubbing their chins and calling out for second opinions. I find myself more and more to be disturbed rather than comforted by the sheer number of persons who enter my room. It is beginning to feel like they don’t know how to fix me.

Also, in the process of treatment, accidents occur. The bells that ring and voices that speak may be a reaction to an untreatable stage of an illness. Or they may be the aftermath of a well-intentioned but failed effort at correcting a problem.

“Code blue…fourteenth floor…all available staff, please report to the fourteenth floor…code blue…fourteenth floor…all available staff, please report to the fourteenth floor…”