IF I WERE KING
I admit it. Sometimes I wish I were king. Not only that, but I would like to just appoint myself to that role. No messing with time-wasting and expensive elections that just cause bad feelings, with all that mudslinging and name-calling. Don’t worry – I won’t do anything crazy, like re-instating slavery or taking away women’s right to vote. I have considered abolishing trucks, SUVs, minivans and other gas-guzzlers - these are not fuel efficient and minivans are ugly. But, with low gas prices, who really cares? I have also considered doing away with all timeouts in football and basketball games – it would make everything speed up nicely, and eliminate so many commercials. And if we really MUST have a “red zone” in football, let’s just go ahead and spray that part of the field red. At this time, these are only considerations…
One day I will be king. The world is too intelligent a place not to notice that I would be great in that role.
The first thing I will do is a little housecleaning. I will prioritize the following:
-Change the spelling of the word “raspberry” to “razzberry”
-Ban all one-way streets
-Put a maximum occupancy limit on HEB
-Remove from the English language the word “brouhaha”
-Reserve the word “awesome” for only things that truly are (like the Grand Canyon, or spaghetti)
-Eliminate all wires and coat hangers (although I haven’t decided yet what I will replace coat hangers with)
-Do away with all laugh tracks on sitcoms (better yet, do away with all sitcoms)
-Reverse daylight savings (spring back, fall forward – that makes so much more sense anyway)
-Ban all ad-libbed vocal acrobatics used by singers performing the national anthem
-Eliminate all reality TV shows (which are actually scripted and thus are not real anyway)
-Eliminate all committees (they just obstruct getting anything done)
I also would have many changes to make for our fair city of Houston:
-Officially change the city name to Tokyo (because it is so huge), or Mecca (because everyone is coming here)
-Hang “no vacancy” signs beside Houston city limits signs while I’m at it
-Make it a felony to cut down a tree in Houston
-Remove all “Watch For Ice” signs on Houston bridges (they are only useful two days of the year and by the time they have been up all the other 363 days everyone ignores them when they are needed)
-For that matter, just ban all signs (they are ugly and only contribute to too many distractions and too much useless information)
-Limit the number of Mexican restaurants and car washes on Louetta Road to one each per mile
-And on the same street, reduce the size of the huge American flag at the Service First car center (it has caught 3 airplanes already)
I will also attempt to solve these dilemmas:
-If something is neither here nor there, where is it?
-How do you get under the weather?
-How do you get beside yourself?
-Why do we say chi-pot-le but not Brett Fav-re
I will keep these very few rules:
-Green = go; red = stop [no change, that’s a sensible rule]
That’s my platform, and I stand by it.