I have not written here in so long. It is because it is easier to get information out on facebook more quickly. That and we have not had as much information to share lately. Thank the Lord. John is doing very well. He is eating and not dealing with any major post surgery issues. He still has difficulty with full use of his left hand (due to the stroke caused by a negative reaction to Demerol in June of 2010) and that has become more annoying to him as of late. I think perhaps he never really had time to grieve the loss of this hand when it happened b/c he was still dealing with so many other health issues. Now that those issues are resolved, the reality that he can no longer play the drums, guitar or piano is setting in. He has taught himself to type with one hand and do other functional things. He has good strength but not fine motor ability. However, music is John's passion. He loves singing and listening but writing lyrics and composing has always brought him the most joy. As I write this, I think it is hitting me how much he misses his music lately.
Other than that, he really is doing great. We are all doing great and yet today I have felt so uneasy. I think it is b/c things are so good right now. John has a PET scan on Monday and while I have no doubt it will be clean, his last 3 have been beautiful, this time for me (John is never scared. He knows he is fine. I love this.) is always scary. It will always be scary. It is particularly scary this time b/c things are so good, so right.
I know that I have tremendous faith and God has certainly given this family strength. Strength we did not know we possessed but it is times like these when I know there is a force out there trying to combat what God puts in out hearts. I fear that source b/c from that source comes anxiety and doubt. But fear is not all bad b/c a little fear (and even a lot of fear) can make you so tough. I am tough. John is tough. My girls are tough as nails and I know that what we have right now can never be frozen in time. John's PET scan will be clean, I trust that God brought us to this place where John is healthy and strong but I also know that as good as things are right now (and they are good), God never intends for us to become complacent. We can never stay in one place for too long. For now I am thankful for this day and this time in our lives. I pray that John's scan is as beautiful as it was 6 months ago. I am so thankful that he ate veggie "meat" balls, egg rolls, carrots, celery, pears and cheese sticks tonight (It was "no forks night" btw hence the strange combo). I am thankful that he can coach Bree's softball team and work full time. I am thankful that will still have a little money left after all this to pay our taxes. I am thankful that my girls are healthy and have friends. I am thankful for my home. I am thankful for my God and I am ready for whatever happens next.
Please keep all of those with cancer and other hurts in your prayers tonight. Sometimes there are too many hurts to bear and I know prayer works. Thank you.
Love,
Becah
